sharing

by Jakeskajira

Betrayed, afraid, traumatized, angry, sad, scared.. these are all emotions I had last night....

The cause? Not my Master. I spent 2 1/2 hours sharing memories and life stories with him. Every emotion came tumbling out, and I put it all on him. I projected my feelings into him and we had a very hard night. I was scared, I was angry, I felt like he had betrayed my trust, all because *I* couldn't talk out loud... I shared, and traumatized myself by sharing, I felt so guilty that I shared and told him that I just shut down mentally, so when he handled me like he normally did when I can't talk to him, all I would have had to do is tell him how I felt. But I couldn't speak the words, he wasn't a mind reader, and I expected him to be able to handle the situation, and when he was incapable of reading my mind and just knowing what the right thing to do was, I felt betrayed. All I had to do was speak out and communicate with him, but I couldn't speak. I was to far inside my own head, shaking crying and hurting.

I felt betrayed. All I would have had to do was speak... tell him I needed him to love me, and hold me, and let me cry... that I needed him to protect me... and I couldn't. I felt trapped, I started staring at the doors and windows, I wanted a way out, I was in such a panicked frenzy that I could not think clearly, I could not communicate with him.

I had not been prepared for the drop (sort of like a sub drop I suppose) that would follow sharing my past with him. I started having flashbacks and any rational or logic throught flew out of my head.

I wanted to hurt him. I hated him, I told him I'd never forgive him, I screamed for him to take my collar off, that I just wanted to get out, I felt trapped, I was stuck I wanted to leave... and when he told me I could go, but he wouldn't remove my collar, I couldn't leave. I didn't want to, but in my frenzied state of panic and fear, I just felt so trapped. I needed a way out, even if it just meant leaving the bedroom and walking down to where I felt less confined.

He didn't stop me, he didn't hurt me, he tried to hold me, to love me, to comfort me, and I pushed him away. At the time I was incapable of considering how he felt, or his emotions -- all I knew was that I HATED him and it was HIS fault I felt this way ... But it really wasn't, and he finally kept pushing me and pushing me to talk to him and eventually every fear/emotion I had came flooding out. I had an email all planned in my head in my illogical state, and I figured I'd just send it to him in the morning. I wouldn't talk to him tonight because I couldn't. He wouldn't leave me alone, even though I told him I wanted him to... he kept pushing at me, and harassing me until every thing just came flooding out, that I hated him, I was angry, I was scared, I felt traumatized.

Then he told me he'd talk to me online, in a safe, non emotional way, so I could feel safe... and we talked, I calmed down, I didn't shut down.. but if he had ignored me and walked off, I think it would have festered. I know he did the right thing, I know he did what was best for me, and for him in the long run, but going through that was hard. He cried afterwards, when I finally apologized to him for the things I said. I know I didn't mean them, but at the time I was so scared, I just lashed out trying to protect myself.

I was a sobbing, screaming mess. I needed to be held and comforted and loved and cherished, but I couldn't accept it from him. I blamed him in my mind for the state, because I felt it was his fault I felt this way. If I hadn't shared, if I hadn't opened up, in my twisted scared logic, I felt that I wouldn't have had to feel any of this and we'd have been just fine!

If I had a safe word, there's no way I would have had any type of rational thought process or logic to use it. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind, I was totally out of control, and I felt scared, I didn't know how to deal or cope with all the emotions that came out after I shared and opened up, and I went crazy on him.

As a word of caution to anyone who has past trauma, or a spouse whose partner has trauma, be prepared that if they open up, the reaction "after" might not be what you expect.... it can be like reliving all those experiences after you share, all the emotions and feelings are so real... and they may be misdirected. I lashed out at my Master because it was safe to do so. I knew he wouldn't hurt me and I was out of control, and it was easier to just hate him than face that each emotion had a reason, and it was from my past.

When you open up about your past, your Dominant needs to be aware that every pain, fear, emotion may come tumbling out afterwards and it may not be a desired or expected reaction. It may not even be the same each time you have a "talking" session. A dominant will need to be aware that this is a possibility, and if you are anyone who has a past they are having to face, YOU need to know it is a possibility, and to prepare for it just in case.

I am glad I have such a strong Master, I know it hurts him, I know he feels my pain and wishes he could make it go away, and I know that when I freaked out, I blamed him and took it out on him. I know this was unfair to him.

This will be a super-long process, and it's not going to be easy on anyone who tries to work through things. I know that today I feel ashamed of myself for last night. I said some very hurtful things to him and I know I didn't mean them. I feel as if I stabbed my own heart when I realized the things I said to him in this state.

Thank you, Master, for being there for me, for not taking it personally, for helping me, for loving me, and for keeping me safe, even from myself.