Care and Handling of the Autistic-Spectrum-Disorder S-Type

by Raven Kaldera & Joshua Tenpenny

Rigidity

This is reprinted from Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunctionedited by Del Tashlin & Raven Kaldera.

Raven:

For many ASD s-types, as long as they have specific rules to go by - rules about how to act, how to speak, how the relationship is to be run - they really don’t care whether the rules match anything considered socially “normal”, or even currently in existence outside the household. This can make them remarkably easy-going when it comes to unusual relationship styles such as polyamory or long-distance relationships, so long as they can be entirely sure what they can expect, and how they should respond. Sometimes, however, they get hung up on another chronic ASD problem: rigidity.

Because ASD folks have trouble figuring out heavily social-mandate-laden or social-emotion-laden patterns, they tend to figure out one specific way to do a specific activity that someone (perhaps their parents) have told them is Right, and they cling to that method for dear life. Changing structures can also be excruciatingly difficult for them, making it even more of a challenge to get them to learn a new way of frying bacon, or hanging laundry, or assembling your sandwich. If the instructions are specific enough and the ASD s-type is still resistant, suspect this issue.

However, part of being an s-type is that one has to adapt at least to some extent to the master’s patterns. It is quite possible for an ASD person to adapt to a new way of doing things; practice and building a new “rut” works just like it does for anyone else. They may need extra support, though, and appreciation of the fact that it’s extra difficult for them, and lots of patience.

Joshua:

It would not be unusual for an otherwise submissive and obedient ASD s-type to argue at length over the correct way to hang pants, perhaps even citing various expert sources to support their method or repeatedly detailing the flaws in the master’s preferred method. The master may naturally think, “Why do they care? Why can’t they just hang my damn pants the way I want them hung?”

One useful method for handling this might be to say, “First prove to me you can do it my way - that you are willing and able to obey me in this - and after three months, I will consider the method you suggested. Your obedience is more important to me than creased pants. Until then, no comments or suggestions about how to handle laundry.” Understanding relative priorities is hard for many ASD folks, and they may need it spelled out. The time period is important, so they can attempt to put it out of their mind until then. Having a very clear definition of what, exactly, you’ve declared off-limits is also important. A general statement like “I don’t want to hear about this again!” is likely to be interpreted too narrowly by the ASD s-type, leading them to think that only one specific aspect of the issue is off-limits.

If there are specific types of responses you find annoying, the ASD s-type may not able to effectively generalize the concept of, for instance, “Don’t be such a pedantic ass about trivial shit!” You can attempt to describe exactly what you mean, but it may be more effective to pick a consistent phrase you use for that particular type of annoying behavior (such as “pedantic ass”) and each time they do it, clearly point it out using the same phrasing. Interrupt them while they are doing it, and say, “That! That right there is what I mean by being a pedantic ass.” Even if they are not consistently able to prevent the behavior, they should be able to learn to identify when they are doing it. There is rarely any good reason to allow them to argue about why you oughtn’t find a certain behavior annoying, whether this ought to count as an instance of that annoying behavior, or what term you ought to use to describe the behavior. Just be consistent, and point it out every time you notice it.

Alternatively, some ASD s-types do very well with a “Because I’m the boss and I said so” approach. It may be easier to convince an Aspie s-type that their master, for some unknown reason, prefers their pants hung the “wrong” way, than it is to convince them that the master’s way is “right”. The master may not like the s-type seeing their way as “wrong”, but to put it in perspective, consider that ASD people routinely fail to understand the complexity of other people’s motivations. The s-type may already believe that their master, like nearly everyone else in the world, continually does things “wrong” (illogically, inefficiently, etc.) for no discernible reason, and that society in general is full of bizarre and conflicting layers of inscrutable, ridiculous rules.

An older, more experienced, or more introspective s-type may genuinely want to understand why their master wants things a certain way, but it is likely to be quite a struggle for them to understand and accept their master’s priorities and worldview. It is generally best to make it clear that understanding the reasons behind an order is valuable, but being willing to obey regardless of understanding is more valuable.

Another good point to impress upon the ASD s-type is the concept of “right versus effective”. If their goal is to ensure you have the flattest pants possible, then being a pedantic ass about it is not furthering their goal. What would be effective? Looking at things from another person’s perspective is very challenging for many ASD folks, but it is a skill that can be learned and applied mechanically. It can be helpful if you can figure out how to explicitly state your priorities in a way that the s-type can see how, given those priorities, your choice is logically consistent. From there, they may be able to generalize surprisingly accurately, even if your priorities are very different from theirs.

Continued: Switching Gears